Currently Listening Nothing Is Sound By Switchfoot Only Hope see related

It has been a really long time since I have written in this thing and I don't know if it is going to start becoming a trend for me or not so don't get to excited. right now I just need something to vent to and this is the best thing that I have right now because I feel as if I can't confide in anyone else. For some reason I feel extremely miserable and I have no idea why, well I guess I kind of do. I feel like no matter what I do I'm always doing everything wrong. Nothing I ever do is ever the right thing to do or ever good enough  for other people. I got caught in a dilemma between some people, on one hand I could not tell one person about something he needed to know and watch him who knows nothing about it just basically be with someone for no reason (it seemed like in my eyes), or I could tell him what was said and get 2 other people to hate me, but know that my best friend knew what was going on about him (and it was something he needed to know). What do I do, I help my best friend who basically didn't even need to know because he was able to pick it out from a poem, so I tried to help him (not really succeeding) and in the process get 2 other people to basically hate me right now, one of which was more forgivable then the other. Along with that I got my ACT's back and I didn't get what I wanted. I felt so stupid even though it was good enough to get into the college I wanted, it wasn't good enough for me. Compared to all my friends and everyone around me that is low and it makes me feel so useless. For some reason I feel so alone right now and I don't know why,  I shouldn't but I really do. One thing that has been on my mind lately is my mom, I miss her so much nobody has no idea how hard it is to be without someone that cared about you so much, the one person who brought you into this world. I heard this one song a few days ago and when I was listening to it, I started to cry so hard, but I was around people so I tried not to show it, but it was that one thing that sparked off my emotions about my mom. Its called Christmas Shoes and this is the part of the song that got me the most......

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

This is what made me start thinking about my mom lately and how it just is fair that she was takin', ITS NOT FAIR!!! She was one of the good parents, she was mean or angry, all she ever did was care, but no, she had to go! I'm crying so hard, I miss her so much. I don't even want to know how my dad feels, the first time I ever saw my dad cry was when my mom died and that was the last time too. He tries so hard to support our family it isn't fair, life isn't fair. He works so much and we never see him during the day, but its because he tries so hard to take care of his family. I don't tell him this enough, but I love him sooo much, he has no idea, I don't know what I would do without him or anyone else in my family. My brother, he used to think that it was his fault that my mom got cancer and died. The doctors told my mom that she could have the baby, but she would get cancer or she could have an abortion and not have to worry about it, she's not selfish, she wanted to have my little brother and she did. The doctors told her after he was born that she would have 6 months to live, but she fought it off for 11 years, 11 FUCKIN' YEARS. When she died that was the worst moment of my life and I know that there isn't a moment that will ever be worse. she used to tell my brother, sister, and I that she wanted to grow old with us and watch us graduate and make our own families, she wanted grandchildren that we would give her, she said that she had a colored dream of all that happening and she said all colored dreams come true....... I haven't cried this much in a long time, but I guess its a good thing. I've had it bottled up for so long, its about time that I let it out. Nobody knows what my life is like and I hate when they say, "I know how you feel" when in reality, they don't have a clue..............

Currently Listening Silver Side Up By Nickelback Figure You Out see related

This is probably going to be my last entry in xanga because I really don't have a need for it anymore. The only real reason I got a xanga was because I really needed someone to talk to for the last idk monthish or so. It was the only real place that I felt 100% comfortable, I could tell it exactly how I was feeling and what was going on in my life and if people cared they would read it and if not they didn't have to it didn't bother me all that much. Now my life is on track and I'm really loving it, everything is going right for me, it's like a giant puzzle thats going into place and it feels soo good to finally have something go right. Not just today or last night, but the last week has been soo good, maybe even 2. I might have had some tiny lil' ehh kind of things, but for the most part life is good. Well, thats pretty much all I have to say, so I guess I'm going to be saying goodbye to Xanga now.........

                                                                                      ~Tommy~

Currently Listening The Young and Hopeless By Good Charlotte Thank you mom see related

Well, I've been in a really good mood lately. I just had a track meet last night and it didn't go as bad as I thought it would. I had to run the 4x100, 200m dash, and the 4x400. I ran the 4x100 with Josh, treppy, and budd and we got 2nd place and OMG, you would not believe the smile on Josh's face, it was huge, lol. hehehe, I helped Josh get his first medal in his track career. My 200m sucked though. It is one of my best events and I came in last in my heat, it made me sooo mad. I just wanted to AGH!!! I made it up in the 400m I had to run. Okay, this is how it went......I was the last runner for our team and we were in 4th place by a couple strides, I mean the guy was right in front of me. I was running really fast too, I could barely keep up with him, but I had to so I could prove to Mr. D I could run a 53sec 400 like he knew I could. Well, at like the last 150 I tried and kicked it into gear and I passed him when there was about 100m left and I just wanted to stop, you have no clue how hard it is to run one of those and pass someone. Well, we got 3rd place and I ran a 53 sec 400 flat, So I got a medal and proved I could do it!!! I was soooo happy I wanted to just tell everyone. It was amazing. What else..... I got a myspace!! Its actually a lot cooler then I thought it would be and it's going to be a good way to keep in contact with all of my friends, Thanks Sehar! I also got mike addicted to it lol, so he has a pretty cool one too. I have a track meet coming up tuesday at NEW BERLIN WEST, so after school come and watch me run and kick some ass in all of my events. I don't want Spring Break to end, as boring as mine is right now, I really really don't want to go back to school and I have this english book that I need to read by friday and I'm only on page 7 *sigh*, o-well, Summer is almost here. Well, thats enough for now, but don't worry I will return.

Tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing
It's a good thing
Tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait
Tell me that you want the same things as me
Tell me that it's fate driving me insane
Tell me it's the real thing
That keeps me hangin on

I love these lyrics, they are sooo good and the song is simply amazing. Josh introduced me to the song and when I find that special someone, this is exactly how I want it to be. I want them to love me for who I am not what I am or what I have become from my past. I want someone who will always be there no matter what, no matter who I hang out with, or who my friends are, someone who wants just me......for me, someone to love who will love in return.....thats all I wish for.

Currently Listening Tomorrow By SR-71 They All Fall Down see related

Ya, so its been a while since I've written in here since my last entry, but now I have a lot to say so here we go. Lately I've felt really alone and its been depressing me lately and the only person I've really been able to talk about it to is Mike because he's kind of in the same boat as me. I feel like I'm just here to be here and nothing more really. I've been thinking a lot lately, which isn't a good thing because the more I think the more I more-a-less, feel bad. I feel like I've become this person that is just their for peoples amusement, like all I am is a joke to everyone and it really gets to me. I don't feel intelligent around any of my friends because I rarely ever win arguements and when others win them against me they basically rub it in my face........I'm also the person that everyone throws shit at and it gets me mad as hell. Carlina, Shauni, random people, hell even Lancoure (dumbass) threw something at me the day he got cheese in his hair and I didn't even do it, WTF! The only thing I ever feel is going right for me is track and thats not saying much since track hasn't exactly been having its ups this year. I'm the one that does my homework for the most part, but I get low B's and C's. My bestfriend never does his homework and he gets A's and B's. I feel like the world is against me, like Everything is in favor of everything else. It's like a fork in the road, you have one side with green trees, flowers that have bloomed, butterflies and rabbits, and a gorgeous rainbow, but on the other hand you have the dark path with autumn bare trees, mist covering the dirt road where you hear a coyote howling and their are bats and owls in the trees and in the deepest part the only thing to keep you company is the gloomy howl of the chilling cold wind. Right now I feel as if I'm in the very center of the second path and it doesn't look like things are going to be getting any brighter anytime soon...........

This coldness will never satisfy me
I want to be surrounded by angels in a place
Where the sun is so warm it burns my insides
Surrounded by angels
Where love takes my darkest depressions
And throws it into the deepest of sea
A place i can call home, i'm crying to you Jesus
Mend me, break me, make me
You're all i've got now
My eyes look all around but all they can focus on is you
For in you i find me

Lets see, something thats good......It was Niyati's birthday a couple days ago and it was fun, happy birthday Niyati. I've really been in the mood for just sitting here and reading that english book we got for homework over break, whether I'm going to or not is the question. I've been working on a table top for a small table in my room and it is turning out really cool. I can't wait till I can actually put it all together, it will be pretty sweet. Well I got nothing else to say.......

                                                                                             ~Tommy~

Currently Listening Tomorrow By SR-71 Goodbye see related

Well today I wasn't at school, but o-well, I needed a break and boy was it a good one . We had conference yesturday and lets just say that it wasn't in the best interest for me that day. Our relay pulled a 2nd place in the 4x200, but we got disqualified for cutting on of the teams off, total BS. I got 9th in the 400 which really made really bummed for almost the rest of the track meet and not to mention I was really dizzy after that run too. I made it up in the 4x400 though so it was all good, we got a 3:41.7, which is faster then last year, and we got 3rd place which isn't that bad for conference. The bus ride home I fell asleep for sooooo long, lol, and when I woke up my feet and legs were sooo numb I couldn't feel them, it was pretty cool. the track meets and bus rides really miss the last 2 years of track and all of the people that we have lost over the years, pretty much all of them were sooo cool, like literally all of them. Last year was on of the sadest years for track though, Schreiber retired , that was such a sad day, so many people wanted to or were crying and the slide show that was put together was sooo good, that day makes me never think of the song 100 years the same again. I wish I had a copy of that slide show.

I've been thinking a lot and I really think I'm going to do football next year. I think it would help me soo much for my last and final track season of highschool. To think next year I'm going to be a senior, it's insane!! I kind of don't want to leave, I'm going to lose contact with so many of my friends, even the people I talk to and am not really friends with I'm gonna miss, it will really suck. Hopefully it isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. Anways, I'm done for now here are some lyrics for you to read.

Say goodbye to Mr. Right
Lock the door, turn out the light
Pack your bags, leave this trap
Run away, don't look back
See another day with each new sun
Your life has just begun

She can still feel the touch of his hand
Not just the violence but the warmth of her man

The night she never felt so alive
even though it feels so cold outside
It's the first time I've ever seen her smile.